Welcome back, dear readers, to your weekly dose of all things Trump—your one-stop shop for the most outlandish political theatre on this side of the Atlantic. Whether you adore him, despise him, or simply can’t look away from the perpetual spectacle, we’ve got you covered. After a summer hiatus, we’re diving headfirst into the latest escapades of America’s favourite reality TV star-turned-politician. Did we miss anything? Oh, just the usual: political coups, assassination attempts, and the rise and fall of political dynasties. Buckle up, because this rollercoaster ride through July’s political madhouse is anything but dull. Let’s see how much chaos one man can stir up, shall we?

July Recap

Trump was trouncing Biden in the polls. Democrats were demoralised, divided, and in panic. Joe Biden dropped out and endorsed Kamala Harris, the half-Indian, half-Black vice president. There was a terrible assassination attempt on Trump. Trump picked JD Vance as his VP, who became the first VP with a negative approval rating.

Republican presidential nominee and former U.S. President Donald Trump and Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance point to the stage during Day 1 of the Republican National Convention (RNC), at the Fiserv Forum in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, U.S., July 15, 2024. REUTERS/Elizabeth Frantz

A film was made about Vance’s bestselling memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, which starred three Oscar nominees and was directed by Ron Howard. JD commented on Democrats being “childless cat ladies,” incurring the wrath of many childless celebs including Taylor Swift and Jennifer Aniston. Phew (pause for breath)… Tim Walz was chosen as the Democratic VP… Are we finished yet? No, that was just July.

Trump had a difficult day at the National Association of Black Journalists, where he claimed that Kamala Harris was Indian and has now turned Black. The New York Times said it was the worst three weeks of Trump’s campaign. Kamala Harris overtakes Trump in the polls…

But late-night show host Seth Meyers recaps it better:

Biden’s Departure

Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race after growing calls from his party following a disastrous debate performance. He struggled to form a coherent sentence, fell behind in the polls, and was predicted to lose the presidency in the November election. Many liberal news anchors gushed over the fact that Biden turned down the most powerful job in the world voluntarily. However, after his recent debate performance, he did not have much choice as powerful Democrats, such as former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, turned against him.

Tom Brenner for The New York Times

Joe Biden’s legacy could be beating Trump and resolving America’s worst modern-day pandemic, where almost one million Americans died, or being the man who let Trump back in the White House. He chose the former. Biden will always remain a modern-day Abraham Lincoln: Lincoln lost a son and still became president; Biden lost two children and a wife and still went on to become president. His story was and always will be an inspiration to any American who suffers tragedy but keeps going.

Democratic Campaign

Joe Biden’s departure injected a shot of adrenaline into the stalling Democratic campaign. A few candidates threw their hats in the ring, including the freakishly handsome California governor Gavin “swoonsome” Newsom and the articulate Pete Buttigieg. Newsom is incredibly slick and the opposite of Biden in terms of communication—in that he can talk properly and form a sentence.

However, he was unpopular even within his party due to his management of California as governor. Pete is a fantastic communicator and an efficient and able candidate, though at 38, still too young and inexperienced. However, despite all his assets, to be frank, America was never going to vote for a gay guy to be president. Anyone whose primary method of sex is anal will never, at least soon, grace the hallowed halls of the Oval Office.

Kamala Harris became the party nominee even though she made a fantastic impression of the Invisible Man in her four years as vice president. She was highly unpopular as VP with startlingly low approval ratings but has now morphed into something different: popular. Beyoncé is going to endorse her.

Kamala Harris picked her VP, Tim Walz. She needed an old, white guy as America would never vote for a half-Indian, half-Jamaican woman, and another minority. Her VP had to be white and old, and Walz is as old and white as they get, though, unlike Joe Biden, with amazing dad vibes and energy.

Republican Campaign

Donald Trump picked his VP, JD Vance. JD’s story is inspiring: growing up in one of the poorest towns in America with a heroin-addict mother, but then graduating from Yale University and becoming a US senator. However, he has somehow become the most unpopular VP candidate ever, with the lowest ratings, less than Sarah Palin and even less than George Bush’s pick. Theories as to why suggest his awkwardness and weirdness, but let us be honest, he is a Republican pick who has an Indian-origin wife. That is likely the real reason.

The “Indian Coup” Controversy

“There is an obvious Indian coup taking place in the US right before our eyes,” far-right conspiracy theorist Stew Peters surmised on the microblogging platform. He also tweeted: “Trump VP nominee @JDVance1 and his Indian wife have three children named: Ewan, Vivek, and Mirabel. He is not one of us.” US News: Trump VP Pick JD Vance’s Indian-Origin Wife Subjected to Hinduphobic Hate

Despite having clerked for two Supreme Court justices, Roberts and Kavanaugh, and possessing two degrees from Yale and Cambridge University, Usha Chilukuri Vance has one fatal flaw for Republicans, especially MAGAs—she is not white. Unfortunately for this sect of the Republican party, Usha’s complexion will not be her protection.

What no one is talking about is how Melania Trump is an immigrant who cannot speak English properly and is grammatically challenged, which anyone who heard her campaign when Trump was president would know. “Be Best,” seriously!

“Be Best” was the name of her campaign as First Lady. It sounds like she suggested the name, and her advisors (and proofreader) hated her so much that they did not want to point out that it is grammatically inaccurate and supposed to read “Be the Best.”

Even though Trump is married to an immigrant who came to the US herself, not with her parents, and was not born there, people should wonder if Trump could be unbiased towards immigrants, but there was nothing, especially from his party.

JD Vance’s wife is not an immigrant; she was born in California, and her parents emigrated from India in the 1980s. Melania is an immigrant who moved to America in 1996 at the age of twenty-six and only became a US citizen in 2006. However, Trump has never been accused of being potentially soft on immigration. Vance has. Could this be due more to Melania being white and Usha being brown?

Even if Usha were an immigrant, surely she is the right kind—not seeking handouts or being a burden on taxpayers. She graduated with the highest distinction from the best law college in America and then did a master’s degree at Cambridge.

Trump’s Reaction

Trump has gone from being ahead in the polls to now falling behind, and he has taken it in the way you would expect: by ranting incoherently and having a near mental breakdown.

One can understand his frustration: when you have spent four years campaigning, owe 500 million dollars to the US courts, and have bet everything on being president knowing that you can make all your problems disappear once you are in office. But now, a presidential election that you knew you were going to win as long as Biden was running is turning into a potential loss.

Trump hated Biden, calling him “Sleepy” and “Lazy Joe,” but at least he would have beaten him. He is so upset that he is now criticising the Democrats for removing Biden. This is like dumping your boyfriend because you could not stand him, and now realising how great he was after moving on to your new boyfriend, and pining for him to return.

Trump does not like Kamala. He said in his last convention that he is “much better looking” than her. Someone needs to tell Trump that he is running for president, not America’s Next Top Model!

Next Edition

The next edition is a debate special with a cutting analysis of the presidential debate between Trump and Kamala. Stay tuned!

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