TRUMP GUILTY PLEASURE – THE DEBATE SPECIAL
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THE DEBATE SPECIAL
It’s that special time of year again when Trump takes the stage for a debate.
For anyone who has ever watched one, there are many superlatives to describe them, surreal being the most accurate. Trump debates are on a spectrum from TV gold to bizarre.
The 2015 Republican Primaries – Periods, Ugly wives, JFK assassins
In the first series of 12 debates in 2015 before becoming president, Trump entered the Republican primary debates which determine which of the Republican party members, will be the republican party candidate for the 2016 presidential election. This is unlike many countries including the UK, which choose the leader of the political party from within the party itself, without external influence.
Trump took on 10 politicians with over 100 years of political experience and was widely expected to be the clown act before things got serious. Seasoned political analysts predicted he would be there just for comic relief and then dissipate into thin air like one of the wizards in Harry Potter using flu powder to travel to Diagon Alley, and then the credible candidates would remain.
All the other candidates were senators or governors of states. Trump was the only candidate with zero political experience.
A gratuitous, unnecessary picture of Harry Potter in Diagon Alley, included for no other reason than to pull at the nostalgic heartstrings of Potter fans.
In the first debate, he got into an argument with the moderator, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly, who was portrayed by Charlize Theron in “Bombshell” the film about sexual harassment at Fox News.
(Left to right) “Bombshell” actresses; Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and Margot Robbie: Business Insider
Trump criticised Megyn (as he felt she attacked him personally) and commented that “She had blood coming out of her, everywhere”. Women, unsurprisingly weren’t over the moon about the possible period reference and a trend started where women would live tweet their menstrual cycles to Trump using the hashtag #PeriodsAreNotAnInsult.
Hey @realDonaldTrump , I’m on day 1 of my period and I feel fine (maybe a little tired). I’ll keep you updated! #periodsarenotaninsult
This was just for the host. He hadn’t even started on the other politicians.
Trump then disobeyed a sacred rule of the republican party; never blame George W Bush for 9/11. George’s brother Jeb Bush was the favourite to win and become the presidential candidate. But Trump’s brutal honesty meant that Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign met a similar fate to the tragic World Trade Buildings in the horrific terrorist attack. You may not like Trump, but did you want another Bush to be president?
Too much controversy for the first debate? Trump was just getting warmed up. He then accused Texas senator Ted Cruz’s dad of helping the shooter on the grassy knoll in 1962 that killed John F. Kennedy. (I am not making this up). He also stated that Ted’s wife was ugly and his wife was better looking, which was the first time in US political history that there was a sideline beauty pageant for the wives during an election. He also re-tweeted a viral meme.
And finally, he asked Texans why they would vote for Ted Cruz as he’d been a terrible senator and had done nothing for them.
Other high or low lights included repeatedly calling Marco Rubio, “little Marco”, which led to Marco infamously echoing an observation by former Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter, who wrote that Trump was a “Short-fingered vulgarian”. At a presidential rally, weeks later, Rubio joked that Trump had small hands and implied that this meant he had a small penis, starting a sideline pageant for male members. The first time politicians clashed not on issues such as the economy, education or healthcare, but on genital size.
Most politicians would move away from this talk, worried that it was becoming too crass, but Trump responded to Marco’s accusations at his rally by repeatedly stating that “There was no problem” implying he did have a huge penis. Answering a question that nobody had asked.
The presidential race had been turned into a literal “dick-swinging contest”. (Pun fully intended) Trump had moved the issues away from education, healthcare and America’s policy on NATO, to male and female aNATOmy. This just endeared him to the American public, or a section of it anyway, that valued entertainment more highly than gritty, daily, dining table conversations.
Trump was the only non-politician and had no political experience whatsoever, but he still obliterated the presidential and, in some cases, political ambitions of every politician on that stage.
The 2016 Hilary Clinton debate – Hil hath no fury
Then there was the 2016 debate with Hilary Clinton. Following the demolition of the Republican candidates and after he had been chosen as the Republican candidate for president. Trump said Hilary should be locked up and in prison and then followed Hilary all over the stage, like a grumpy sexual predator conducting reconnaissance on his next victim.
Also, side note. If America followed any of the 167 democracies in the world and elected the person who had the most votes, Hilary Clinton would have won in 2016 with her 65 million votes compared to Trump’s 62 million. No democracy has ever copied America’s Electoral college system, indicating how possibly undemocratic it actually is.
If America voted for Hilary candidate, a pro-abortion candidate in 2016, but Trump, an anti-abortionist, became president and then banned abortion in 2020, is America actually a democracy?
This is like voting amongst 8 friends about where to go out for dinner. Five vote for pizza and three vote for sushi. In every democracy in the world, you’re eating pizza, but in the USA, you’d better get ready for raw fish!
The Biden debates – Not your average Joe
His first 2019 debate with Joe Biden, was quiet by comparison but still included some zingers as you would expect from the Don.
His second debate with Biden, just a few months ago, was chock full of little white lies and on the face of it, he should have lost. However, despite what Trump says being suspicious and highly dubious, his delivery and clear, strong voice emphasised Biden’s age, frailty and flailing attempts to construct a single coherent sentence as well as highlighting Biden’s wispy monologue, spoken in breathy whispers as opposed to talking at the decibel and pitch of a normal human being.
Trump has a record that would be the envy of any seasoned Oxford Union star debater.
3 wins, 1 loss. And the 3 wins weren’t just any wins, they decimated the presidential careers and aspirations of major players in both the Republican and democratic parties.
So, although on some occasions, Trump shows signs of a slow descent into madness and delusion, he should still do well in a platform that he historically and consistently prospers and excels in…or at least gets results and lots of laughs.
Prosecutor Vs Criminal – The Kamala Harris Debate
Enter Kamala. As a lawyer/prosecutor and former district attorney, she would also be good at talking, selling us things we don’t want and persuasion in general.
It would be:
Prosecutor Vs the criminal.
Young (for an American presidential candidate) Vs Old
Brown/black woman Vs white man
There must be more of these Vs superlatives, but can’t think of any right now, I will come back to it.
Kamala has her pros and cons.
Pros:
Well informed
Sticking to the script
Sharp, articulate
Sassy, with a wine mom on her third glass, kind of confidence
Cons:
Irritating, high-pitched nasal voice
Annoying, fake laugh that makes even Anne Hathaway seem genuine and sincere
Trump would be fine as long as he doesn’t invent or go into any preposterous stories. If he sticks to the important issues such as the environment and….oh that lasted 20 minutes. Trump has started to talk about immigrants eating pets. Probably not the best topic to state your case to be president of the United States.
Gerard Baker of the Times describes it succinctly saying, “Trump’s terrier-like inability to resist chasing wild stories down online rabbit holes and rebroadcasting the most fervid fantasies have him — not his opponent — on the defensive.”
Kamala’s main plan seemed to be goading and baiting Trump to go off on a rambling rant. Of course, Trump would maintain his dignity and not get involved in these political machinations and mind games and never lower himself to…Who are we kidding, of course, Trump took the bait and went off on a rant.
Kamala should take up fishing, because every time she set the bait, she got a bite…every single time!
Kamala’s main strategy seemed to be to raise a topic that would get Trump annoyed, unhinged and spouting nonsense. Trump started talking about immigrants who stole and ate household pets. This seemed crazy but then appeared sensible in comparison to when Trump started claiming that Kamala wanted to perform transgender operations on illegal aliens who were in prison. This seemed crazy but then appeared sensible when Trump commented on how Democrats wanted to abort babies AFTER they were born, which led the moderator to fact-check and then actually say out loud in the middle of a presidential debate that no US state had laws to execute babies!
Trump was asked about his alternative to Obamacare and he said he had “Concepts of a plan”. How does he only have concepts? He’s been campaigning for four years! Four years and he only has a concept on the alternative to arguably the most controversial healthcare plan in US history! What’s he been doing all this time?
Kamala knew it was working. Just keep poking the bear. It was a safe bet and the gamble paid off. Kamala walked away with a Las Vegas-sized payload.
Criticising Trump on size, whatever size, whether it be a penis or crowd size at his rallies, always works wonders and Kamala utilised it to devastating effect. Trump going on a pointless, unnecessary rant about how he still commands huge crowds and that his rallies are the “most incredible ever”…..even though the question was about inflation.
Kamala the wind-up merchant. Cartoon by Adam Douglas Thompson, The New Yorker
Who won? Social media and political analysts leant towards Kamala.
But who cares about the opinions of those working deep in the political sphere? The real confirmation came swiftly after the debate (see what I did there). Kamala got a game-changing endorsement from Taylor Swift to her almost 300 million followers.
Trump’s response was to tweet:
Considering the most famous and popular person in the world right now and probably the only other person in the world with the power to rival a US president, just endorsed you, you would have to assume Harris was the clear winner. Round 1 to Kamala.
Trump could recover if he engages in more debates, but he would need to sound more like a man running for president and less like the deflated nine-year-old brother of an obsessive Taylor Swift fan.
*Cover image: Stable Diffusion / Stephen Hutchings
References
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3195277-women-tweets-updates-periods
https://time.com/3992617/donald-trump-megyn-kelly-periods/
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-33863958
https://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/05/trump-ted-cruz-father-222730
https://vanityfair.com/news/2016/03/how-donald-trump-became-the-short-fingered-vulgarian
https://www.thetimes.com/comment/columnists/article/as-harris-knows-trumps-his-own-worst-enemy-vshb393pn
https://www.newyorker.com/news/the-lede/donald-trump-had-a-really-really-bad-debate
